The Great Unlearning
It’s March 11th. If the New Year’s resolutions are dead, good. They were probably based on who you were “supposed” to be anyway. If you’re waiting for the “perfect” time to reinvent yourself, I have some news that might sting: the concrete on our lives was never supposed to set this early. For those of us born in the 80s, we’ve spent two decades collecting “shoulds” like they were limited-edition stickers, only to find our hands are now too full to grab what actually matters. This March, we aren’t just spring cleaning our basements; we are performing a soul audit and giving ourselves the ultimate permission slip to unlearn the dreams that have turned into chores.
The 80s Millennial Struggle
We grew up in this wonderful age with these wonderful role models like Mr. Rogers, Reading Rainbow (LeVar Burton), Mr. Dressup (Ernie Coombs), and Bob Ross. They planted this idea that we could be anything, do anything, and really have it all. But with all these good intentions we got this idea that we could do everything; which led to a lot of “shoulds.” I should be at this level in my career. I should do this as a spouse. I should have a perfectly organized basement. I should have kids that listen all the time. I should look like I havven’t aged since 2005. There is this level of conflict within ourselves that is just exhausted trying to live up to this other “version” of yourself.
But this is the thing… they were right. We could imagine anything, validate our own emotions, and create our own world. The thing is that all that inspiration and support was misconstrued and turned into something darker by the time we were living in that dictated we couldn’t be any of those things. That isn’t true. We can be all those things and more. Two narratives collided and we were trapped in the middle.
The “Should” Voice
I think of the hardest things we have to sort through if we are going to tackle this is figure out which voice is talking when. We have one voice saying the “shoulds” that is coming ffrom ourselves this pressure and desire to be more. We also have one other voice that is saying “shoulds” that is someone else’s voice.
First step: you have to right away completely invalidate that voice that does not belong to you. The face that this is your head, your story, your thoughts, this voice has no place. Yes, it is easier said than done. But it is possible to quiet this voice and get rid of it altogether. I have done it.
This is exactly what I did. Every time I heard it speak one of those negative comments I made myself stop and counteract it. I tried on these fabulous red pants once… the voice said, “omg what are you doing? You don’t want to bring attention to yourself or your thighs.” I took a deep breath and said… “I have always wanted to have funky pants and these are my size! I deserve funky pants. I like myself in these pants.” It may have been a corny statement at the time but that was the first step. Every time since it has become easier and easier to come up with counter statements and the voice has become quieter and quieter.
Second Step: identify that voice that is yours. The one that is placing all these timelines and expectations on yourself. Start tackling it with logic. The only actual timeline that matters is yours. Not society’s. Not your mother’s. Not your father-in-law’s. If you think about your life without those limits… are you happy? Do you feel content? That is what matters. If you are not happy then start looking for what can be done about it that is in your control. If you are happy or content right now That is what matters. No one else.
The Audit Process: Identify the “Lapsed Dreams”
Lapsed dreams are those goals or dreams that you’ve been carrying for 15 years that don’t actually excite you anymore but you are keeping out of an imagined obligation. Yes, I know. Complete nonsense right? My thoughts exactly. The key to figuring out if a dream is lapsed… if you haven’t though about that goal with excitement in six months, it’s not a goal; it’s a ghost.
Permission Slip
Right here, right now, right as you are reading this. I give you permission to quit that dream or goal. Here is your permission. You don’t have to keep hammering at a goal that is no longer making you excited to get up. You don’t have to keep plugging away on all those skills for a dream that no longer makes you daydream. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND! You are allowed to become someone else. You are allowed to make a different choice. If it has turned into a chore this is your permission slip to quit, change your mind, make a new goal, or make new choice.
This is your life. Your decision. Your story. Choose wisely.
– Fabulously Positive
Transition from “Shedding” to “Planting”
Think of it this way. You are not becoming someone else. You are becoming or shifting into YOU. Don’t think of it as shedding off this or that but rather planting the seeds of something different. Whether it has to do with reinventing your style (think ditching frumping along to seizing your patterns era), changing your career (or adding to it thinking of a fabulous side hustle or taking a class), or deciding you want to take charge of your physicality (don’t jump to vigorous gym session maybe you start with an at home yoga or pilates practice with a daily walk.)
If you stop carrying the old baggage, your hands are free to grab something new! By releasing the shoulds… you have just given yourself the greatest gift in the world. You have give yourself permission to go for those thing you NOW want and you are free to become exactly who you WANT to be. Not what someone else wants.
Don’t miss this week’s complimentary mini blogs:
The 4-Step Social Sweep
The Pivot Playlists
Image for the graphic by Julee Juu on Unsplash