The 80s Politeness Trap
For those of us born in the 80s, we were taught that “No” was a rude word. That just the use of the word required an explanation. We were raised to be “good girls,” “helpful teammates,” and “reliable friends.” We are on a high-octane politeness hangover.
Perhaps we can look back and see how the current state of affairs affected this narrative that influenced parents into this box fitting for their kids. The 1980s were not exactly the safest of eras to parent in. While this narrative was taking place it was also twisted in a way to rein in (especially) women and girls from the freedom and anger seeking of the 60s and 70s.
The narrative was high jacked into this twisted version no matter what the good intentions were at the time.
The problem we are facing now is that “people pleasing” is a sort of sick and twisted subconscious habit that we engage in. A “yes” to something that doesn’t serve your Second Spring is a No to your own capacity. You are trying to host a garden party in a space that’s full of weeds. Think about it…
We are trying to fit into these ridiculous boxes and aims while at the same time there are so many examples of others not at all playing by these invisible rules and making their own rules up as they go while harming others or the planet. So why should be continue to do what we are told?
Watch This: It is the ULTIMATE NO to the impossible standards we try to live up to as women.
Time to Pivot. Start Curating, Not Hosting
Well we have decided we are not going to do that anymore. We are going to pivot. One thing to keep in mind is that a pivot requires space. Your life isn’t a warehouse you need to fill; it’s a gallery you need to curate. The “Big No” is the velvet rope that keeps out the clutter.
So, start making some space. Come up with a plan (even if it takes you a year) declutter any space of your home and get rid of, donate, and sell anything that is no longer giving you joy or purpose. Walking away from a job, a friend group, or a long-term goal that doesn’t excite you isn’t quitting. It’s realizing your exhibition space is precious.
Remember your permission slip from last week? You are allowed to change. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to decide what you want in your life. Of course there is so much we cannot control in our lives but there is so much we do control. We have kind of had our own power removed in a sort of power-ectomy. Whether it was being taught how to expertly self-abuse, self-guilt, self-doubt, it was done. But we have permission slips now and are absolutely over the box fitting. Setting a boundary is a perfect way to surgically take the power back!
Breaking the Autopilot “Yes”
As soon as you read the header you know what I am talking about. I do this all the time completely automatically. There is even those times where I wonder after the fact how am I going to do that? Well let’s try a new strategy!
Let’s try a 24-Hour Buffer! When asked for something, practice the phrase: “I need to check my capacity and get back to you.” It’s not a no. You are giving yourself time to actually see if this task is something you want to do, need to do, or have the resources to actually do.
There is science backing this up. Giving yourself time for that reflex yes to fade. You need to let your logical, self-preservation brain have the final word, not your emotional “people-pleaser” brain (Or REFLEX). This will take time but just like learning to not be so mean to ourselves we can learn to prioritize ourselves. The 24-Hour Buffer isn’t just a delay; it is an active cooling period for your people-pleasing reflex.
Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired.
– Martha Graham
The Power of Sovereignty
Now that we have reached this clifftop that is our 40s or our limit it is time to look back and realize none of that stuff before was helpful to us or our story. It was only good for others. You have the absolute right to be the sovereign of your own timeline. A polite “No” is a complete sentence that saves your life. It’s time to start saying it like you mean it.
This isn’t just some anecdotal thing I am preaching. This is a journey I am embarking on myself. As I sit here typing and think back on my life I am dismayed by how much of my own life wasn’t led by my own desires at all. But there is a glorious part about this realization. It isn’t too late. Am I breathing? Yes. So, I am taking back the pen of my story that should never have been held by others at all.
You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.
– Maya Angelou
Don’t miss the complimentary mini-blogs this week:
The Late Bloomer Hall of Fame: Canadians and Beyond
The Art of the Polite No
Image for graphic by Ali Kazal on Unsplash