Originally written in 2014
Two years ago I realized that being my usual pessimistic negative self really wasn’t getting me very far in the terms of my life. So after really thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons I decided to make a conscious decision to change. Sure I went through some doubting thoughts that positivity was a crazy way to go but looking at those that I grew up with and others that I knew. I came to the conclusion that there was no way I wanted to look back on my life or each day complaining about my life. We all know those people who are so bitter and take it out on everyone; I did not want to be one of those people. I do NOT want to be one of those people.
So I started to change. Small changes at first, and continuing forward. The fact is; it took a long time for any of us to get to be so negative. It is going to take a lot of time to undo all that damage and become positive.
The first thing I started with was accepting everything that had happened, occurred, or consequences that had occurred in my life. The fact of the matter is regretting anything would drive me crazy, and there is nothing I could do in this moment to change the past. What I could control was the direction of the future and RIGHT NOW.
Once I was able to just accept the past I started moving forward. At every situation I take a moment and think about it like this: Is it something I can control? No? Then look for another way to see it. Is it something I can control? Yes? Then change it! At first it was a conscious act to look at things and ask the question. Now after two years it is rare that I have to stop and ask the questions fully. For the most part I can almost automatically gauge a situation or scenario and automatically go to the motion that are involved.
So I am on my road of positivity. Shit happens. Life happens. There are twists, turns, loop d loops, and sometimes there is a drop of fear located in there somewhere. But I know I can pull through, and I know it will be totally worth it in the end.
I am a mother of six wonderful children. Two 12 year old children in the summerlands, a six year old, a four and a half year old, two year old, and a one year old. I am a student in university, and a fiancé. I also suffer from depression. Life is crazy busy, life is loaded with memories, life is loaded with work to do, but it is 110% worth it! And I am 200% sure that I am going to ENJOY the ride!
Update
It is now 2023. It seems like a life time ago that I wrote the above. My children are now (almost) twenty-one, fourteen, thirteen, ten, and nine respectively. My outlook is both the same but different. I agree with my previous self that embarking on the positivity journey was both a difficult choice but also a crucial one. Now though, I see this journey as not one with a definite beginning and culmination of a blissful state but rather a journey that has a life of its own. Back then I thought it was more of a mission to take on. Back then I would see it as a necessary tool to shift my life. Now I see it as an entire life shift that essentially rewrites my story changing the narrative voice. Not just then or now. But in every moment of every day.
Now, I can say that the positivity journey is one of genuine self reflection. At any moment I have to really look at myself and take stock of my actions and feelings. There are times when the journey is completely exhausting and there are other days where the time spent on the journey are giving me little surprises of my progress like little automatic reflexes I can be proud of.
I have learned since then that at any point I can fall into old habits and ignore myself. It happens when I get too busy, stressed, or anxious. I have also learned to forgive myself. I have learned to embrace acts of self-care that I didn’t understand when I began. I have also learned that if I don’t have a certain tool to use I can make my own. That thought created the idea of “positive sprinkles.”
Positive sprinkles are the things that bring us joy, a smile, or happiness that come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are glaringly obvious and other times they are so tiny we really have to look. They are the warm fuzzy feelings of exchanging kindness with someone and the “booyah” when a goal is reached (or progress is made!) They are a new flower seen in a garden and the discovery of a new opportunity. Positive sprinkles have made such a huge impact on my daily life.
I have discovered that this journey is not just about making changes from pure force of will. It is really about using and building your tool box. It is about self-discovery; discovering what things no longer serve you (and let them go), discovering what brings you joy, and discovering how your environment impacts you completely.
If I ever got the chance to speak to someone before they embarked on this journey I would say:
This is going to be the hardest journey you will ever embark on. But it is going to be worth every second. Every day will be a new discovery as you write your new story. Remember, this is your life. Ask yourself questions like the one I mentioned years ago… Is this something I can control? What can I do about this? The last piece of advice I would give is: your attitude and perception have a huge impact that is often overlooked but it is the two most powerful things you CAN control. Don’t forget to find the joy in the little signs that things are changing for you.
Although I have had ups and downs I am glad I embarked on this journey. I can’t wait to see where I go from here. Where we all go from here.