I was feeling the tide of anxiety rising all day from the moment that I woke up. The moment my eyes opened I could feel it just in the background of my mind. (Like right now how hard it is to write when my mind is nitpicking and irritating my thoughts and word choices.) All day I tried to brainstorm some ideas of what was triggering the anxiety right into the afternoon. I finally had to come to the conclusion that this is one day where there is not a trigger at all.
Fun Fact: Anxiety does not always have a trigger. Perhaps on these days we woke up with our heads at the wrong angle on the pillow? Or maybe the wrong leg stepped out of bed first? Or perhaps it is more of a big universe thing and the sunshine hit the wrong leaf at dawn? In other words there is no cause, rhyme, or reason behind it at all.
Another Fun Fact: These non-triggered days are also the days when you can find yourself feeling as if you are defective or “crazy” in some way. From what I have read… this is normal. Now of course I am not sure if anyone truly finds this comforting in any way. For me personally I do find this comforting after the day has passed; however, in the moment not so much. It is like the phrase, “calm down,” when you are having an anxiety attack. Totally useless advice in the moment.
Discovering that this was a non-triggered day of anxiety was both good news and bad news. The good news of course is that you can relax in knowing the answer to what you were looking for: what is going on. The bad news of course is that this is a non-triggered day. Otherwise known as the get ready it is going to keep snowballing and you are going to keep getting more and more anxious all day until… Kaboom!
Now, of course, putting a positive spin on this it doesn’t always end in kaboom. (Seriously, life is dramatic enough without theatrics.) Sometimes it looks more like a handful of bouts of tears… ending the day at 9pm buried in your blankets thinking you are a worthless blob of nondescript nonsense (you know your brand of it.) OR ridiculous arguments with your husband or kids about ridiculous things like that time he bought the wrong salsa, or indeed that look on their faces, or the tone of the stomping. All of this is extremely personal and customized. What is one person’s kaboom could be another’s fizzle.
So with newfound epiphany in my pocket I chose to force myself to just stop. Stop fixating on my anxiety, how the day was tanking, or how this day was definitely not the day I was looking forward to the night before. It is a lot harder than anyone thinks it is (not in the moment) but it is incredibly hard. Just stop. Stop thinking, talking, feeling, or doing anything. Just stop in that one moment and just breathe. Then make a choice. Decide where you want to continue the madness OR if you are going to force yourself to do something different.
So in this moment I chose: myself. I got out all my yoga stuff, picked the videos, and got changed. Of course in the throes of my anxiety making the decision wasn’t the hardest part; it was the act of getting everything ready and changing. Each act was its own mini decision full of doubts if this was the right decision for the moment.
I chose three videos on Find What Feels Good: the ten minute gratitude mindfulness session, day one of Alia’s morning sessions, and the peaceful warrior session that was from the August calendar day. In the gratitude session Adriene’s voice and energy came through the screen like a salve. In sitting with myself with only her voice I found calm. I found gratitude for my breath, the sky, Adriene, Ghost Adventures, and my guides. Although it felt ridiculous at the time finding just those things to be grateful for, while my mind was full of so much chaotic energy, it was just what I needed. It forced my mind to focus on something else other than my anxiety.
In Alia’s morning session I brought my anxiety downwards further to where it was manageable and ebbing. With her I was able to breath and focus on myself in this moment. (Breath like I love myself.) To just sit in a moment and breath was just what I needed to do. I needed to sit and lean into the anxiety and just feel it. Feel it and listen to it.
When I did my last video, “Peaceful Warrior,” session the conclusion I was hoping for happened. As I went through each pose I was able to feel it, listen to it, and then let my anxiety go. With my breath I was able to surrender in the moment and find myself buried beneath my anxiety. When the session ended I emerged just as me with my anxiety left behind on the mat. As I rolled up the mat I knew I was going forward with the rest of my day leaving all that anxious energy behind me.
I began yoga in May 2022 as a tool to help me manage my anxiety. (Of course being an adult means: it takes hopelessly reading countless articles and books about anxiety before finally hearing the same suggestions repeatedly until finally I listen.) So I started yoga reluctantly and found Yoga With Adriene by accident on youtube. It has given me so much more than just relief from anxiety. It has given me belief in myself. Yoga has helped me manage my anxiety in the sense that it reminds me to step out from it. It is like the rain. When I go walking in the rain I say I am doing just that. I am not the rain. And in this sense I am not my anxiety. It is just an inner environment. Inner weather. (Note to self: Affirmation: I am not my inner weather.) Yoga has taught me that I can overcome it and come through on the other side in a healthy way. I thought that yoga was saving me but it turns out I was saving myself.
Now in September of 2023 I can look on the journey I have embarked on and be proud of my progress. I can be proud of myself for making myself stop that day and deal with the anxiety. After my yoga the day did not turn into a perfect day or the one that I have been looking forward to the night before. It was however, a day that I could show up for. As Adriene always says, “The hardest part is showing up.” Whether that is for yoga or life it is a worthy piece of advice that I now cherish.
Finding my own tools to deal with life is something I wish I had figured out a long time ago. I don’t need to waste time hoping, waiting, or wishing I had tools that I don’t have. I have tools right now in my current state and i can use them right now. I can build upon my skills and tool box moving forward. I know now that I can keep moving forward, growing, and learning as I navigate my journey through this crazy adventure known as life. Having yoga now in my tool box has been a life saver. It is now my most favourite tape measure to use in my tool box of life.
I hope you find your own tools.
